Hatred

Not too awfully long ago I was embarking on a spiritual journey, a journey that saw my daughter’s accident bring me closer to God than I had ever been.  In the months after the accident, I realized a closeness and joy I had never before experienced.  Those were truly halcyon days. 

Since then, I struggled with how to keep Christianity real in my life.  I loathe cliché Christianity, the kind of Christianity that puts a, “God is my co-pilot” sticker on the back bumper, while cursing and waving the middle finger at the guy who cut into the lane too close.  Or the Sunday-go-to-meetin’ kind, who are overly-emotional, glad-handing “Amen”-shouting kind, who spend the other six days of the week living like hell with no apology, unless the preacher’s around that is.  Yeah, I know, I’m a judgmental pr&%$.  But I don’t wanna fake it!  That’s right, this time around with Christianity, I have endeavored to be real about it – warts and all.

This seems like it could be pretty liberating doesn’t it?  Be who you are, no apologies – just be real.  So I did, so I am.  I swear too much still, and it bothers me.  Sometimes I make a conscious effort to watch my mouth, a lot of times I find myself praying about it.  But I’m not gonna hide it.  I try to be socially appropriate, but I’m certainly not pretending to be something I’m not.

And I seem to be okay with that.  It’s a process.  When I took the first steps in this journey, I kept asking Uncle Harold what Christianity looked like.  How was I to take what The Christ had done inside me and translate that to my life – how was I to live a REAL Christian life?  I don’t remember now exactly how Uncle Harold addressed this, but I do know that it came down to what Philippians 2:12 said:  to work out my salvation with fear and trembling.  So that’s exactly what I have been doing, and not by wearing a “WWJD” band on my arm. 

And of course, most of the time I fail.  And I am failing worse now than ever.  You know how, when something in your life just isn’t right, you feel that gnawing inside?  That nudge of conscience – conviction of the Holy Spirit?  Well, I have that one in a BIG way right now because I have a serious, deep-seated sin branding the innards of my soul with the word, “HATRED”.  This is hard, because it’s a very real, very serious hatred and frankly, I just don’t know what to do with it.

One thing that troubles me is that people often think they can just quote a Bible verse and that’ll take care of the problem.  But merely quoting scripture without God behind it simply renders scripture – cliché.  It is the Balm of Gilead with no power, the cure-all, merely snake oil!  Scripture quoting won’t get the job done here.

I don’t have all the answers (even though I often try to convince everyone that I do!).  I don’t know how to change this hatred, hatred so profound that it, in very real ways, hampers my relationship with God.  I know I don’t want to walk away from God (again), but I also refuse to pretend I’m one kind of Christian, when inside, a worm tunnels through the core of my soul, leaving me to squirm and writhe at my own sin.