Running

Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise; - Psalm 55:2

I'm a runner. The very first memory I have of running must come from around 1971 or 2. My parents were sitting on the front steps with our neighbors, and some of my friends and I were playing (who knows what). Whatever we were playing required us to run and I remember running around the house and (I know this is hard to believe but it's true) thinking, "I wonder if they (mom and dad maybe?) see how fast I can run!" I also recall my mom sending me to the store for cigarettes (sorry mom), and running to Cozy Corner as fast as I could and back, just so someone would notice how fast I was.  I ran in high school, in the Army I ran (forget the jokes here), and even as a middle age adult I've been a runner.

So there, I'm a runner in a very real and literal sense.  But I've also been a runner in a figurative, metaphorical sense.  I spent the better part of my life running.  As a teenager I "ran away from home."  My perception was that things were so bad at home.  You know - that typical adolescent angst.  In reality, the reasons I ran from home were quite simple - I had rules, and I didn't want them.  

I have spent the better part of my life running.  As a young adult, my wife and I changed churches more often than West Virginians change underwear (I should probably delete that, but nah).  We always seemed to be looking for something better, something more.  In reality, we (and here I should really say "I") kept changing churches because I wanted more opportunity to be noticed.  I kept looking for a church where I could be somebody.  

I've spent the better part of my life running....just ask my kids.

I've spent the better part of my life running.  If anyone reading this knows me - then you know I have run from God more times than...ah - insert your own metaphor here.  You would also know that's been a big concern for me this time around - that I would leave God, simply put my Bible in the drawer and who knows - maybe a few years from now pick it up again.  

No.  I'm not running right now.  But this idea seems to be a theme around me right now.  Several people I know and care about seem to be struggling with the idea that somewhere else, something else, someone else may be better than right here, what they're doing, or the person they're with.  I don't know.  I don't have all the answers for everyone (I barely have the answers for me).  But this I do know...

No matter where I go, there I am.  I have no idea who said that.  I Googled it and the origins have been attributed to Confucius, a cartoon character, a rock band, and even some guy in North Dakota that insists he was the first to say it in 1954.  Another thing - I usually hate cliches, but sometimes they say more than I could say in a thousand pages.  You see, in all the running I've done, be it literal or metaphoric, whenever I arrive at my destination - there I am.  Me.  I'm still there.  And every   single   time, I brought me with me.  All my shortcomings, deceits, lies, and just plain stupidities came with me.  I wasn't running away from others, I was always running from myself.

I don't know when it finally happened.  I don't know if it was Ashley's accident, or some other (relatively) recent time or event, but I have finally stopped running - at least for today.  Circumstances have forced me to come face-to-face with the me that's always there.  And you know what?  Yeah, there've been tough moments, but all-in-all, it hasn't been too awfully bad.  

An English novelist, Terry Pratchett, said, "Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it."  I find that to be an interesting concept.  I suppose there are many theological arguments and/or sermons that can speak to this, but I leave that for the professionals.  It simply says to me ...No matter where I go, there I am, I'm already there.

None of this is to say that change is always bad.  But I think, for the first time in my life I've come to realize that I need to think about my motivation for change.  Is it because it's a good thing, or am I running from myself?  Then there's the whole God's Will thing.  I don't mean to minimize that in any way.  I just haven't matured enough to understand exactly how we know that - what is God's will?  But I do know that, when faced with "big" things these days, I find myself praying about it, you know - "he shall direct thy path..." 

I realize I am the last person on earth to, in any way, preach...but if I could say anything to the people in my life who are looking for...I guess I would have to say this:  pray about it.  Get on your knees and ask God to hear your complaints, your moans and groans.  Ask Him to show - am I running from myself?  What would you have me do?  Yeah, I know...it's always easier to tell someone else how to live, but believe me - I'm trying to learn to do the same thing.  Running can wear one out.