Angst That Surpasses All Understanding

There is this thing that gnaws at me. It's like a little voice in my head (and no... it's not audible thank you very much) and every time I start doing something, every time I read the Bible, or pray, or try to do something good (okay not every time) - I get that gnawing sensation. You know what I'm talking about - right? I'm talking about that part of me that always asks - Is this really me, am I being genuine or is this just me trying to be Joe Christian?

This kind of thought has eaten at me ever since I was a teenager. Sometimes I look at some of my friends, the ones I think are these spiritual giants and wonder if they ever think the same things. I mean it all seems so natural and genuine with them. I want to be genuine, and I wonder if I'll ever get to the point that it's as natural to me as it is to them. 

Now, I realize that it's not a competition. I know all the old sayings about comparing yourself with others, but it's not really like that at all. It's more that I recognize within myself this restlessness, this angst about my own Christianity. Sometimes I wish I could just relax about it. It's not all the time - sometimes I do experience that peace, but... But often I feel like Sartre's Roquentin when he said, "It would be better if I could only stop thinking. Thoughts are the dullest things. Duller than flesh. " or Dostoyevsky, "...to be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodnes disease." Really - sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking about it all!

Paul said that when we are crucified with Christ and are resurrected into a new life, we are set free from the bonds of sin, that we have a new nature. I guess that's part of my journey - learning to let Jesus be Jesus in my life.