Dirty Laundry

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.  Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.  For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.  Psalm 51:1-3

Ashley looks great!  To look at her you wouldn’t know that anything had ever happened.  Her mind is sharp and her body gets stronger by the day.  Miracle (a word I definitely don’t bandy about lightly) is the only word to describe it.

I ended up speaking at my Uncle’s church today.  It was an experience.  Beyond those things that I will not describe here, are the things that were hinted at, and some…simply thought but not spoken.  I guess that’s why I have this silly blog – it’s a forum to say those things I wouldn’t otherwise say.

Standing in Harold’s church brought back a flood of memories, an overwhelming flood for that matter.  Looking at Ashley sitting not 15 feet away, facing the shortcomings in my life, made me think of this verse in Psalms.  It seems that no matter where I turn, my sin stands before me.  There’s a constant reminder, but I guess maybe that’s part of the cross I bear in being a disciple of the Christ. 

I’m guessing the whole of my Christian life will not revolve around my unworthiness and wrangling with myself to come to terms with what my life has been up to this point.  I’m guessing that this is a cathartic phase if you will, although the realization of my worm-ness will likely never leave me. 

So, what’s the problem here?  What have I done that’s so horrible?  Well, this is definitely not the forum for those details, but if you’re reading this (and I don’t mean to be snarky here), simply think of the things you have done and who you have been and my list is probably very similar.  But there is one thing worth discussing here.  One thing that has defined my life, one thing that, because of its ubiquity in my life, needs to be addressed here…today…now.  I kinda hinted at it at Harold’s church today, beyond the fact that I have no idea how to make Jesus plural, the problem is this:

Two Jesus’s. 

I was thinking about Harold’s comment to an earlier post where he said, “I believe all of your "callings" were of God. Does not the Bible tell us that there are none that seek God? And did not Jesus say that no one can come to Him except the Father draw him? That  tells me that any inclination that we have toward Christ is from God.”  I suppose that’s all true, but what if it wasn’t really Jesus I was drawn to before? 

Looking back at my life, I’ve come to realize that the Jesus I was drawn to before was nothing more than an idol, the very graven image that we are so often warned against.  You see, in previous times my attraction to Jesus wasn’t Jesus at all.  Rather, it was the trappings that we set up around Jesus that drew me.  The opportunity to, in some heinous way, make opportunity for myself.  As a child, it was the approval of my family that came with appearing to love God.  Let’s be real for a minute.  Mom, if you’re reading this I’m sorry, but you may want to skip this part.  I really don’t remember ever loving God in any real way.  I don’t know, maybe I did – but looking back it seems like it was all just make-believe.

Bible college and ministry.  Man!  What a farce that was!  I can honestly say that that whole part of my life was about how I could be a star – the size of the stage didn’t matter nearly as much as the idea that I would be “the guy”!  The Youth Pastor, the Assistant Pastor, Pastor, the wanna-be theologian.  NONE of it was about Jesus.

So.  Was I drawn to Jesus by the God who sent Him?  Did Jesus, being lifted up, draw me to himself?  No.  Not at that time.  I was drawn to an idol called Jesus.  And that explains, at least to me, why I never found peace or comfort in Christ.  I was worshipping the idea of church.  Really, I was worshipping me.  It some ways, my whole life had been a fraud, hollow.  And it makes sense.  Isaiah 44:9 says, “They that make a graven image are all of them vanity; and their delectable things shall not profit; and they are their own witnesses; they see not, nor know; that they may be ashamed.”  I didn’t stand a chance!

So what’s different this time?  Jesus #2.  Jesus.  That’s what’s different, or rather – that’s who is different.  I don’t know how or when, but at some point in the last several months, I died.  There is, in some miraculous, mysterious way – a new creature.  Jesus somehow became real, not merely an idol.  Jesus is no longer the trappings of church.  Jesus no longer is - me!  The best part is that I realize now that it IS God who draws me, it IS Christ, having been lifted up, who draws me to himself.  Now, that doesn’t mean that I won’t once again try to weasel my way in to make something of myself.  But now that I am aware of who I am, (like the scorpion who stung the frog – it’s my nature) perhaps I will hear the voice of God when He reminds me that it’s not about me and to ‘Knock it off!’ 

My sin will always be before me.  Also my nature.  I’m just one of those guys who thinks, over thinks, then exceedingly abundantly over thinks.  But there’s this really cool passage in Hebrews that gives me hope: 

This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.  Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin.  Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; and having an high priest over the house of God; let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.  Hebrews 10:16-22