Tired

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
         The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
         Does not become weary or tired
         His understanding is inscrutable.
    He gives strength to the weary,
         And to him who lacks might He increases power.
    Though youths grow weary and tired,
         And vigorous young men stumble badly,
    Yet those who wait for the LORD
         Will gain new strength;
         They will mount up with wings like eagles,
         They will run and not get tired,
         They will walk and not become weary.  Isaiah 40:28-31

I am tired.

I pretty much exist on nervous energy.  Normally, from the time I am done with my morning shower and getting dressed (before that I don’t count as actually being awake) ‘til the time I turn off my light (usually 18 to 20 hours later), I go.   I work, talk, work, read, talk, read yada yada yada.  I do this day in and day out – then I crash.  But now…I am tired.

Ashley lies in a coma.  The fear of her imminent death has somewhat subsided, but there she lies.  I cannot count how many times I have heard that God has allowed this to happen.  How many times I have been told that this is all a part of God’s greater plan.  And I want to believe this.  I want to believe that this is all a part of God’s benevolent design.  I’ve been told ever since  I was a child that God has a plan, and that we may not always understand it, and really – we’re not supposed to ask why.

Well, to be quite frank, I’m not interested in ‘why’.  It doesn’t matter to me – why.  I already know the ‘how’.  So I don’t know what other questions to ask.  I sincerely do NOT believe this has anything to do with testing my faith, or that it was a part of God’s plan to help me grow in faith.  In fact, I don’t think this was about me at all.  I believe Ashley was in an accident and as a result her life is shattered.  I am on the periphery. 

But as John Donne said, “No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;” therefore I too am effected.  I don’t believe God did this to Ashley.  I don’t believe God did this to try or build my faith, but now…I have nothing left.  You see up ‘til now I prayed that God would deliver Ashley but trusted that science would do the job.  Maybe I trusted too much in science because science has grown tired.  So now…

So now I have nothing left to turn to but God.  There is nothing more that science can do.  Perhaps my philosophical, theological whinings about faith have been exposed as the frauds that they were…simply the snivelings of a man who wished to belong to God through some esoteric desire.  Now – I lay prostrate and wrecked and experience what it truly means to desire faith.  I have no other choice.

I am tired.  And now we wait.  We wait for Ashley to wake up.  And if the Bible is true, and God does not become weary and tired, then I must, I have to, wait for the Lord. So this is what faith is.  For me, right now, faith is realizing that science cannot help my little girl.  I cannot help my little girl.  Faith – right now – is “Lord I am waiting on you, please help my little girl.”