First Communion (In a long, long time)

I did something today that I haven't done in many, many years - and no, I didn't cook dinner.  I celebrated communion in church.  It was an amazing, almost creepy moment for me.  For the first time in so long I took the time to be silent and "remember" what the Christ had done.

When communion is celebrated we remember Jesus, on the eve of His brutal day, comforting the disciples, telling them that even though he is about to die - he will always be with them.  I can't even fathom that.

I recall the evening before my first set-piece battle in the first Gulf War.  My comrades and I stayed up all night, talking about our lives, those whom we loved, the things we missed. Our commander had told us that we were expected to take up to 60% casualties the next day.  As we looked around at one another, it occurred to us that in all likelihood six of the ten of us would not make it through the next day.  We didn't comfort one another.  We didn't speak of the future or mention that death stood at the door to our tent.  We were scared and sad.  I think, in some part of my mind, I was already dead.  The tent hung with despair.

So when the ushers delivered the bread and wine to me today, I thought of that evening, and thought of Christ's final eve.  And I was moved.  If Jesus came to earth as omniscient God...well, then he knew what was coming, and that had to be agonizing.  Even if He wasn't omniscient during his sojourn into humanity, he was certainly well aware of what was about to happen to him.  Yet, here he was...bread - my body, wine - my blood...all for YOU!  All for ME!  He must have been scared.  He must have been sad.

I wonder if He looked back at his life.  Growing up with Mary and Joseph and his brothers, thinking of the times he played in the streets with his pals.  I wonder if he thought of his teenage years, and the girls he must have had a crush on, and wondered what could have been.  I wonder if Jesus thought about his friends, jumping and shouting with joy as they tore their nets pulling so many fish from the sea.  Or if he thought of the times they must have sat around a fire at night, singing and laughing, the hallmarks of relationships so complete and intimate.  I wonder if he thought of those things, and if he did...was He as sad as my pals and I were on that night.  But we won't know for sure.  He doesn't talk like that to his friends as he eats the meal of the condemned.  He humbly takes the most common portion of the meal and recognizes them as a symbol of his sacrifice.

Then he went out and received the brutal beatings and humiliating, agonizing hanging from a cross.  For ME.

I remembered these things during communion today.