I am what I am...good grief!
On Easter Sunday, Harold preached a message entitled (I think), "Most Miserable". This was the day after Grampa passed, and the day we celebrate the resurrection of The Christ. Truly a day of mixed emotions! It was a good message, appropriate for the day, but as is typical for me, I remember one thing Harold said over all others. "Most of us live somewhere between Most Miserable and Perfect Peace." Just a day-or-two before, I had a conversation with Harold about this very blog. You see, I am what I am. And because of that - I worry and I persistently live closer to most miserable than to perfect peace.
I worry about my motivation for this blog. Since my last post (I think almost a year ago) I have written several times, but just couldn't pull the trigger on actually posting. Because I worry. I worry that I write to try to impress. I worry that these inane ramblings may be some attempt to draw attention to myself. And that is contrary to what I want. I have spent (and I mean spent) the better part of my life, doing things in an effort to gain peoples' approval. No more. At least that's what I said when I endeavored on this leg of my spiritual journey. I wanted this Christianity to be real - or not to be at all. No more pretending to be something I'm not.
So I started this blog and at some point I began to think that maybe, just maybe, I was writing to gain approval. So instead of simply being conscious of this...instead of going to Christ and seeking HIS approval - I just stopped. No great loss to the world by any means...but for me it was. It was a loss to me because I began to dwell on how unworthy I was. I allowed the doubts, the fears and the analyzing to cripple me.
Radiohead sings this song called "Creep." Don't worry, I won't sing it to you, but here are some of the lyrics:
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here…
THAT'S what I focused on. My fear of myself. Clinging to my worthlessness. Fears of being disingenuous. There came a point where I really did wonder what the hell I was doing here. I didn't belong here. I am most miserable. But...
Paul didn't just say, "I am what I am," and just throw up his hands and walk away. There's more to the verse and the context of I Corinthians 15. Paul was talking about the resurrection. Christ had risen and was seen by scores of people, including Paul! THEN Paul says, "...I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain..."
It would be easy to not write anymore. Oh, I'd miss it because I enjoy writing, but like anything else - it would be easy to just quit. And I suppose if I were going to do this for the attention and in my own strength - then I SHOULD quit. But I'd like to see what would happen if I really trusted in the grace of God.
What if I wrote something and was quite pleased with it, then before posting it I pray. Ask God to check my heart. Ask God to help me not write for adulation. Not write for attention. What if I did this every time? Maybe sometimes the grace of God would point out to me that I was being a jerk. Maybe, on a minute-to-minute, day-by-day basis I could learn to trust in the grace of God rather than trying to be a show-off. Perhaps, just maybe, the grace that God has bestowed on me would not then be in vain.
Thanks Harold.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here…
THAT'S what I focused on. My fear of myself. Clinging to my worthlessness. Fears of being disingenuous. There came a point where I really did wonder what the hell I was doing here. I didn't belong here. I am most miserable. But...
Paul didn't just say, "I am what I am," and just throw up his hands and walk away. There's more to the verse and the context of I Corinthians 15. Paul was talking about the resurrection. Christ had risen and was seen by scores of people, including Paul! THEN Paul says, "...I am the least of the apostles, that am not meet to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain..."
It would be easy to not write anymore. Oh, I'd miss it because I enjoy writing, but like anything else - it would be easy to just quit. And I suppose if I were going to do this for the attention and in my own strength - then I SHOULD quit. But I'd like to see what would happen if I really trusted in the grace of God.
What if I wrote something and was quite pleased with it, then before posting it I pray. Ask God to check my heart. Ask God to help me not write for adulation. Not write for attention. What if I did this every time? Maybe sometimes the grace of God would point out to me that I was being a jerk. Maybe, on a minute-to-minute, day-by-day basis I could learn to trust in the grace of God rather than trying to be a show-off. Perhaps, just maybe, the grace that God has bestowed on me would not then be in vain.
Thanks Harold.
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